Mystery Jets - Two Doors Down (Duke Dumont Reconstruction)

(Via Pinglewood)

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How did I go two weeks without noticing that my precious princess Roxy has balls? And not in the figurative, “Oh, she’s so fiesty!” kind of way, either. No, they’re really there. Tiny little furry balls. This upsets me only because I fucking love the name ‘Roxy’. But it also explains that highly masculine “I have a penis” trot she’s been doing.

I’m open to suggestions for good names for an extremely energetic 8 week old kitten who jumps around like a jumping bean or a kangaroo, likes sleeping on my face (literally), and takes great interest in decade-old adventures on the good old Enterprise-D (particularly the episodes involving Worf). Uh… engage!

EDIT: Roxy is now Bean. Meet Bean/Beanie/Crazyface.

Pomegranates - The Bellhop

No Age - Teen Creeps

Titus Andronicus - No Future

Zeigeist - Fight With Shattered Mirrors

Now, Now Every Children - Friends With My Sister

Clay Aiken got a woman pregnant. Her name is Jaymes Foster and she has produced several of Aiken’s albums. I’m not finding any clear info on her age, but TMZ is reporting she’s 50 and other sources are saying “late 40s”. She was artificially inseminated.

So to all the crazy Aiken fanatics out there who insist on defending him as a heterosexual (not that it’s anyone’s business), this pregnancy is NOT proof that he actually stuck it in her.

And for the record, he doesn’t weird me out because of his “Is he or isn’t he” status in the celeb gossip world. Honestly, I could care less. He’s just so strangely defensive about himself in every interview I read. Also, I’m sorry, but I hate his voice and voted for Ruben like 20 times. And he needs to get a new stylist.

John Carmichael is the President of the Church of Scientology in New York. Like all Scientologists, Carmichael has superpowers and stuff. He doesn’t get colds, he can read minds (”with varying degrees of ability”), he could probably travel back in time if he really wanted to, he’s great with car accidents, and, most importantly: he can whiff out pussy (and closeted gays too, apparently) like it’s nobody else’s business!

“When Rev. John Carmichael, president of the Church of Scientology of New York, came face-to-face with a small contingent of Anonymous protestors this past Monday, he didn’t engage them in a spiritual debate. Instead, he leaned into one member on a Times Square street and said, ‘Let me tell you this: I smell pussy.’ Then, looking squarely at the Anon added, ‘You in particular.” - Village Voice

Before hopping back into his spaceship, Carmichael urged Anon to “come out of the closet!” So eloquent.

I don’t think we need to point out who won this round (one’s asking reasonable questions, the other is using 3rd grade misogynistic & homophobic retorts), but does Mr. Pussy Smeller remind anyone else of Willem Dafoe, the villainous character from various flicks we’ve all seen and loved? When they’re casting the lead for I Smell Pussy: The Movie, I sure hope Dafoe’s name comes up!

If you’d like to peacefully protest against $cientology with those CrazySexyCool (omg, TLC!) Anonymous kids, you can. The next protest is on June 14th. Who knows what your local Scientology leader will smell — be prepared for anything. I smell ass! I smell balls! I smell pussy — you in particular.

ETA: Oh, shit!

+15? The most thumbs up I’ve ever gotten on a YouTube comment was 9. That could’ve been me getting +15 if I’d only been quicker.

Remember Barack Obama’s Abercrombie boys? Of course you do. But what about those Detroit Red Wings guys? No? Well, comedian Jon Glaser and some other guy (who dat be?) are here to remind you.

[via 23/6]

“Okay, okay! I’m done,” I said. “I don’t like how she constantly interrupts the people she’s interviewing to take about herself either. I don’t like how Hollywood she’s become. I don’t think she needs a YouTube channel. I don’t like her magazine. And I hate how she never replied to that fan letter I sent her 10 years ago!”

And then it happened. Exactly one month after giving up Oprahism, I heard the news: Oprah was going vegan for 21 days.

“How can you say you’re trying to spiritually evolve, without even a thought about what happens to the animals whose lives are sacrificed in the name of gluttony?” she wrote.

Oprah said she’s not sure how going vegan will change her life, but is up for the challenge.

“Don’t know if I’m going to feel better or worse, but I’m willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently,” Oprah blogged.

By day two of Oprah’s new vegan life, she was extolling its virtues to her legions of fans.

“Wow, wow, wow! I never imagined meatless meals could be so satisfying,” she wrote.

Satisfying meatless meals, now that’s what I’m talking about! And if Oprah stays vegan, the possibilities are awesome. Vegan fast food restaurants will be replacing McDonald’s’ left & right.

My dream of walking into a greasy & inexpensive burger joint and saying “I’ll have a tempeh burger with fries. And for dessert, I’d like a Tofutti banana split please” may very well become a reality now.

You’re back on my good side — don’t blow it, Oprah!

A lot of people were wondering why Scarlett Johansson and Javier Bardem did not show up for the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Woody Allen’s “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” last week.

A miserable looking Allen attended the premiere with his daughter wife Soon-Yi. The beautiful Penelope Cruz was there, but her equally beautiful co-stars Johansson and Bardem were nowhere to be found — both of their reps said it was due to scheduling conflicts or some ish like that.

UK’s trashy & unreliable (but wildly addictive!) Daily Mail accused Johansson of having “diva demands.” The Mail’s sources said that the raspy-voiced star demanded her own exclusive make-up consultant (at an outrageous cost of 5,000 Euros a day!) and a hotel 20-25 miles away from the center of Cannes, but the studio refused and she was left at home in New York.

Not so, according to sources for the L.A. Times’ Dish Rag. Johansson announced her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds on May 5. The next day she showed off her engagement ring at the Costume Institute Gala at the Met. Apparently the studio had no problem paying for Johansson’s personal makeup consultant and hotel until she got engaged to Mr. Muscles.

“Within 24 hours of the announcement of her engagement, the studio reneged on the agreed-on terms for Scarlett’s appearance at Cannes. It was insane. She was backed up against a wall. Finally, she personally made the decision not to go,” the source said.

The Dish Rag’s sources don’t have the dirt on Bardem and I don’t have any sources of my own, but isn’t he romancing Cruz now? Perhaps a bitter Allen got the studio to renege on the agreed-on terms with Bardem as well.

And now some wisdom from Paris Hilton:

“The tornado was moving toward Fort Collins, a city of 130,000 some 20 miles to the northwest.”

Um, I’m one of those 130,000! Yesterday I got angry when FOX News interrupted “The Simpsons” for some ‘Beep, beep, beep’ weather warning. Little did I know, they were just trying to prepare me for an early death.

If I die, Betty Brillz gets my cat. If my cat dies, then nobody gets anything because that’s all I have.