Five Reasons Todd Solondz Should Direct The Elisabeth Fritzl Movie May 21, 2008

It has been reported that Elisabeth Fritzl, the woman whose father Josef Fritzl held her captive in a small, soundproofed and windowless cellar for 24 years, will do an exclusive interview next week to reduce media pressure on the family.

Fritzl had been sexually abused, raped, and physically assaulted by her monster of a father since she was 11. At 18 years old, she was lured into the basement by her father. She gave birth to a total of seven children in the cellar, all of which were fathered by her, um, father. In 1996, Fritzl gave birth to twins. One of the babies died after three days and Fritzl’s father cremated it (in a stove, from what I’ve heard).

The Fritzl family are currently staying at the Amstetten Mauer clinic in Austria. The Fritzl’s family lawyer, Dr Christoph Herbst, said on Saturday:

“The fight against the paparazzi surrounding the clinic gets harder and harder. We have had to add another four security guards.

“It is correct that there has even been a fight on the balcony on Friday evening. There was another fight earlier between security guards and a Belgian TV crew that refused to leave after coming inside [the hospital].

“In the Friday incident, a nurse saw the man and called for help. Security guards caught the man before he could take a picture.”

This makes me angry. I don’t want to see photos of the Fritzl family — leave them alone! I want Elisabeth to do her interview, collect her millions, and then disappear to some beautiful island where her family can live in peace.

I do, however, want to see a movie based loosely on the Fritzl case. And I want it to be directed by Todd Solondz — here are five reasons why:

1) It would sure beat a lousy made-for-television flick. If Lifetime buys the rights, I will die a little inside!

2) Rape and pedophilia are Solondz’s forte. It’s hard to imagine one of his films without those two elements. Actually, it’s not hard at all. It would be 90 minutes of complete nothingness.

3) The soundtrack would be off the hook! He’d find the perfect little indie band to set the film’s mood.

4) He already worked with one albino actor, I’m sure he’d have no problem rounding up a few more.

5) He hasn’t done anything since 2004’s Palindromes. Maybe he’s run out of original ideas? Definitely not, he finds directing stressful and gets no pleasure from it…I just needed a fifth reason.