Betty’s Favorite Songs Of The Moment May 30, 2008

Pomegranates - The Bellhop

No Age - Teen Creeps

Titus Andronicus - No Future

Zeigeist - Fight With Shattered Mirrors

Now, Now Every Children - Friends With My Sister

I’m Sorry, But Clay Aiken Weirds Me Out May 29, 2008

Clay Aiken got a woman pregnant. Her name is Jaymes Foster and she has produced several of Aiken’s albums. I’m not finding any clear info on her age, but TMZ is reporting she’s 50 and other sources are saying “late 40s”. She was artificially inseminated.

So to all the crazy Aiken fanatics out there who insist on defending him as a heterosexual (not that it’s anyone’s business), this pregnancy is NOT proof that he actually stuck it in her.

And for the record, he doesn’t weird me out because of his “Is he or isn’t he” status in the celeb gossip world. Honestly, I could care less. He’s just so strangely defensive about himself in every interview I read. Also, I’m sorry, but I hate his voice and voted for Ruben like 20 times. And he needs to get a new stylist.

Scientology’s Rev. John Carmichael To Anonymous: “I Smell Pussy”

John Carmichael is the President of the Church of Scientology in New York. Like all Scientologists, Carmichael has superpowers and stuff. He doesn’t get colds, he can read minds (”with varying degrees of ability”), he could probably travel back in time if he really wanted to, he’s great with car accidents, and, most importantly: he can whiff out pussy (and closeted gays too, apparently) like it’s nobody else’s business!

“When Rev. John Carmichael, president of the Church of Scientology of New York, came face-to-face with a small contingent of Anonymous protestors this past Monday, he didn’t engage them in a spiritual debate. Instead, he leaned into one member on a Times Square street and said, ‘Let me tell you this: I smell pussy.’ Then, looking squarely at the Anon added, ‘You in particular.” - Village Voice

Before hopping back into his spaceship, Carmichael urged Anon to “come out of the closet!” So eloquent.

I don’t think we need to point out who won this round (one’s asking reasonable questions, the other is using 3rd grade misogynistic & homophobic retorts), but does Mr. Pussy Smeller remind anyone else of Willem Dafoe, the villainous character from various flicks we’ve all seen and loved? When they’re casting the lead for I Smell Pussy: The Movie, I sure hope Dafoe’s name comes up!

If you’d like to peacefully protest against $cientology with those CrazySexyCool (omg, TLC!) Anonymous kids, you can. The next protest is on June 14th. Who knows what your local Scientology leader will smell — be prepared for anything. I smell ass! I smell balls! I smell pussy — you in particular.

ETA: Oh, shit!

+15? The most thumbs up I’ve ever gotten on a YouTube comment was 9. That could’ve been me getting +15 if I’d only been quicker.

Jon Glaser And Some Other Guy On Barack Obama’s Abercrombie Boys May 23, 2008

Remember Barack Obama’s Abercrombie boys? Of course you do. But what about those Detroit Red Wings guys? No? Well, comedian Jon Glaser and some other guy (who dat be?) are here to remind you.

[via 23/6]

Oprah Redeems Herself By Going Vegan For 21 Days May 22, 2008

I recently gave up Oprahism after my mother, my older brother, several of my friends, and Nan Talese kept pointing out Oprah Winfrey’s self-important sanctimonious bullshit. It was like the world would not sleep until I stopped worshiping Oprah — I just couldn’t take it anymore!

“Okay, okay! I’m done,” I said. “I don’t like how she constantly interrupts the people she’s interviewing to take about herself either. I don’t like how Hollywood she’s become. I don’t think she needs a YouTube channel. I don’t like her magazine. And I hate how she never replied to that fan letter I sent her 10 years ago!”

And then it happened. Exactly one month after giving up Oprahism, I heard the news: Oprah was going vegan for 21 days.

“How can you say you’re trying to spiritually evolve, without even a thought about what happens to the animals whose lives are sacrificed in the name of gluttony?” she wrote.

Oprah said she’s not sure how going vegan will change her life, but is up for the challenge.

“Don’t know if I’m going to feel better or worse, but I’m willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently,” Oprah blogged.

By day two of Oprah’s new vegan life, she was extolling its virtues to her legions of fans.

“Wow, wow, wow! I never imagined meatless meals could be so satisfying,” she wrote.

Satisfying meatless meals, now that’s what I’m talking about! And if Oprah stays vegan, the possibilities are awesome. Vegan fast food restaurants will be replacing McDonald’s’ left & right.

My dream of walking into a greasy & inexpensive burger joint and saying “I’ll have a tempeh burger with fries. And for dessert, I’d like a Tofutti banana split please” may very well become a reality now.

You’re back on my good side — don’t blow it, Oprah!

Scarlett Johansson And Javier Bardem Victims Of Pervy Woody Allen’s Jealousy?

A lot of people were wondering why Scarlett Johansson and Javier Bardem did not show up for the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Woody Allen’s “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” last week.

A miserable looking Allen attended the premiere with his daughter wife Soon-Yi. The beautiful Penelope Cruz was there, but her equally beautiful co-stars Johansson and Bardem were nowhere to be found — both of their reps said it was due to scheduling conflicts or some ish like that.

UK’s trashy & unreliable (but wildly addictive!) Daily Mail accused Johansson of having “diva demands.” The Mail’s sources said that the raspy-voiced star demanded her own exclusive make-up consultant (at an outrageous cost of 5,000 Euros a day!) and a hotel 20-25 miles away from the center of Cannes, but the studio refused and she was left at home in New York.

Not so, according to sources for the L.A. Times’ Dish Rag. Johansson announced her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds on May 5. The next day she showed off her engagement ring at the Costume Institute Gala at the Met. Apparently the studio had no problem paying for Johansson’s personal makeup consultant and hotel until she got engaged to Mr. Muscles.

“Within 24 hours of the announcement of her engagement, the studio reneged on the agreed-on terms for Scarlett’s appearance at Cannes. It was insane. She was backed up against a wall. Finally, she personally made the decision not to go,” the source said.

The Dish Rag’s sources don’t have the dirt on Bardem and I don’t have any sources of my own, but isn’t he romancing Cruz now? Perhaps a bitter Allen got the studio to renege on the agreed-on terms with Bardem as well.

And now some wisdom from Paris Hilton:

We Had Joy, We Had Fun, We Had Seasons In The Sun

I was just browsing Google News and was led to this AP article:

“The tornado was moving toward Fort Collins, a city of 130,000 some 20 miles to the northwest.”

Um, I’m one of those 130,000! Yesterday I got angry when FOX News interrupted “The Simpsons” for some ‘Beep, beep, beep’ weather warning. Little did I know, they were just trying to prepare me for an early death.

If I die, Betty Brillz gets my cat. If my cat dies, then nobody gets anything because that’s all I have.

Five Reasons Todd Solondz Should Direct The Elisabeth Fritzl Movie May 21, 2008

It has been reported that Elisabeth Fritzl, the woman whose father Josef Fritzl held her captive in a small, soundproofed and windowless cellar for 24 years, will do an exclusive interview next week to reduce media pressure on the family.

Fritzl had been sexually abused, raped, and physically assaulted by her monster of a father since she was 11. At 18 years old, she was lured into the basement by her father. She gave birth to a total of seven children in the cellar, all of which were fathered by her, um, father. In 1996, Fritzl gave birth to twins. One of the babies died after three days and Fritzl’s father cremated it (in a stove, from what I’ve heard).

The Fritzl family are currently staying at the Amstetten Mauer clinic in Austria. The Fritzl’s family lawyer, Dr Christoph Herbst, said on Saturday:

“The fight against the paparazzi surrounding the clinic gets harder and harder. We have had to add another four security guards.

“It is correct that there has even been a fight on the balcony on Friday evening. There was another fight earlier between security guards and a Belgian TV crew that refused to leave after coming inside [the hospital].

“In the Friday incident, a nurse saw the man and called for help. Security guards caught the man before he could take a picture.”

This makes me angry. I don’t want to see photos of the Fritzl family — leave them alone! I want Elisabeth to do her interview, collect her millions, and then disappear to some beautiful island where her family can live in peace.

I do, however, want to see a movie based loosely on the Fritzl case. And I want it to be directed by Todd Solondz — here are five reasons why:

1) It would sure beat a lousy made-for-television flick. If Lifetime buys the rights, I will die a little inside!

2) Rape and pedophilia are Solondz’s forte. It’s hard to imagine one of his films without those two elements. Actually, it’s not hard at all. It would be 90 minutes of complete nothingness.

3) The soundtrack would be off the hook! He’d find the perfect little indie band to set the film’s mood.

4) He already worked with one albino actor, I’m sure he’d have no problem rounding up a few more.

5) He hasn’t done anything since 2004’s Palindromes. Maybe he’s run out of original ideas? Definitely not, he finds directing stressful and gets no pleasure from it…I just needed a fifth reason.

Love Motel — Remixed!

I got a heads up the other day about a cool electro band from Switzerland called Love Motel. Below is the Grum Remix for their song “Cosmic Love” and the Shane Fontane Remix of “Nothing Hurts” — good stuff, give it a listen:

If you like what you hear, be sure to visit Love Motel’s Myspace pages for more songs and remixes.

[Love Motel Remixes — Myspace]

[Love Motel — Myspace]

What’s The Deal With Women And Yogurt?

Shoe shopping and yogurt and big diamond rings, these are a few of my favorite things…

If you’re a woman, the highlight of your day is slipping into those comfy sweatpants (don’t forget the matching zip-up hooded sweatshirt!), plopping your ass on the sofa, and shoveling yogurt in your face whilst making “Mmmm, ohhh yeah… YUM!” noises. If one of your girls is over, the two of you will go back and forth, arguing over how good the yogurt is. You know what I’m talking about, ladies.

One time my friend was like, “Mmm, this is, like, James Dean good!” And I was like, “It’s so good that I want to jerk off allover my face!” And then she was like, “This is like… just got my period, thank God I’m not pregnant good!” That’s when I slapped her and pulled a chunk of her hair out, because I knew I’d never top that one.

Oh, women. The things we do to prove how much we love our yogurt!

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